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I, Patrick. (Puke the First) PDF Print E-mail
Thursday, 13 March 2008

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Blather.Net - 'talking shite since 1997'
With March 17th fast approaching and Dublin City Council already making preparations for cleaning up the deluge of white foamy piss and green/orangey puke overflowing the gutters in the streets, Blather.Net's Archaeologist of the Damned and Resident Graverobber, Ender Wiggan, unearths the truth behind the blow-in from Britain; in whose honour the annual national stereotype perpetuation festival is held. The first of a six-part series, "I Patrick" is a vast, sprawling epic tale of war, slavery, religious fundamentalism, rape, murder and dying empires. Or, it could just be a load of begorra, begob, musha man divil alive paddywhackery.


Prologue:

This is the story of a small Island nation, situated on the fringes of Europe during a time of tumultuous change. An underdeveloped country with a predominantly young and highly intelligent population, whose increasing economic ability, disposable income and prospective markets became the focus of international attention. A country targeted by a multinational organisation aiming to bring it into the wider European fold, with localisation specialists dispatched to supervise the transition and pave the way for the opening up of the country. New technologies, practices and educational opportunities were provided to nationals; alongside training acculturation and integration skills enabling foreigners to operate within the indigenous socio/political climate.

Sound familiar?

As time went on, initial successes were met with complications. Increasing profits led to a change in the national working ethos. Cheap foreign labour became an issue. Racial tensions worsened. The threat of a European economic downturn increased concerns of the future. Accusations of widespread profiteering, and insider trading arose. Followed by accusations of financial irregularities and improper accounting procedures. Followed by accusations of sexual misconduct and abuses of privileges. Resulting in an actual tribunal of enquiry.

Still sound familiar?

If I told you that the multinational organisation was the Roman Catholic Church, it probably wouldn't take a giant leap of faith to believe me. If I told you that the country was Ireland, would it really be a surprise? And if I said that all the above happened in the past, would you be that amazed?

I probably don't need to tell you this story at all, seeing as you've already heard it before. But you may just interested to know that all of the above actually happened in Ireland, not once, but twice. And I'm not talking about the recent past: I'm talking about a much greater distant one.

Roughly sixteen hundred years ago.

These are just some of the events in the real-life story of a man called Patrick. Nowadays he comes with a title before his name, a national day of drunkenness, a feast day of obligation, a green pint of Guinness in his honour and a plethora of paddywhackery. But back in the fifth century, he wouldn't have ever dreamed it would be so. He wouldn't even recognise the name actually. He called himself Patricius.* And his is one of the most remarkable stories ever told.

Remarkable in that his actual words have survived to the present day. Remarkable in that they are the earliest writings known to have been written in this country. Remarkable that out of all of the voices from Ireland and Britain throughout the fifth century A.D., his is the only primary source that survives. Truly remarkable, in that out of the whole literature of the ancient classical world, he is the only man to have been enslaved in another country, managed to escape, return to his homeland and survived to tell the tale.

Forget everything you've ever heard about shamrocks, snakes, green robes, druidic battles, Easter fires, holy wells and whatever else Ireland Inc. is promoting nowadays. The real story of Patricius, the young slave, the adult escapee, the middle aged missionary and the elderly bishop - is far more interesting...

[ Read the entire article and the whole series at Blather.Net ]

 

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